20 July 2007

In a funk

I've been awful at blogging recently, I know it. I have been so moody though, I don't know what's wrong with me. First I had the obligatory ten days of PMS (Grant probably thought it felt like ten months) and then for no reason the whole of last week I felt so happy, just joyful and content all week. Then this week brings hard times with Noah, resulting in tears (mine) and feeling overwhelmed and like a failure, which is really something I try hard to overcome.

I hate that feeling of failure and discouragement. I know Satan uses it to keep us down, to make use feel less than what we are. I don't want to fall into that trap, but my own perfectionism contributes to the problem. In general I think I am an optimistic person and can maintain some perspective. That's in general though. In specific? I am horrible at confusing how-I-feel-right-now with how-I-feel-always. Like, if I feel right now that my life is so great and I am so happy and content (i.e. last week) then I can't imagine ever feeling differently. Because my life? So great. And then when I'm struggling (usually with balance and/or Noah) then I just feel like that is my life now, this hard struggle, and it's never going to change and it's how I always feel (even though it isn't).

I know this about myself enough to keep perspective, to realise that I will feel differently (probably sooner rather than later if the current roller-coaster is to continue). But when it's hard I really want it to pass. And when I feel great? I don't know how to keep that feeling!

I do believe that we control our happiness to a large extent. Research bears that out. But I also know that the downs that follow the ups are all part of this human experience and are important too. I'm glad to say that I feel up more often than down, and that the downs are normal and nothing at all like I used to feel when I was suffering from depression, and for that I am grateful.
Because my life is good and I am very blessed and I am happier (in general) now than I have ever been.

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