5 January 2010

Happy new year

This is the year that it happens for us ... hopefully. Our lives will change with another emigration, this time to New Zealand. That's the plan, anyway.

Grant leaves on Thursday and will spend 3 weeks in NZ doing his testing. Once he has passed all of that then we can begin marketing the house and selling and clearing out things that we won't be taking with us.

In the meantime I am working on our Expression of Interest. Once that has been submitted online we have to wait until it is picked from the pool and a case worker is assigned to us for our application. We also have to gather all evidence of education, nationality, identity, etc.

I have been totally fine with the prospect of moving. The one thing I am upset about is leaving my mom again and, of course, the friends we have made over here. But overall I have been quite calm and ready to start the process.

However ... over the last few weeks I have quite often found myself awake at 3 or 4 in the morning, unable to get back to sleep. Classic anxiety symptom.

And then on New Year's Day I had a bit of a meltdown. I think it was a combination of having the kids at home, indoors, constantly for 2 weeks (I genuinely need regular time alone to stay sane and I hadn't had any), the fact that Grant will be leaving this week, the fact that it was 2010 and it was All Going To Happen ... I think it just felled me and I ended up crying in my room for a while.

I'm fine again, and that is what is frustrating. Because I genuinely do feel fine. I honestly do feel energised and able to face the process. I seriously am excited and positive about the whole experience. Which makes dealing with the subconscious anxiety bewildering.

If I felt worried and stressed about everything I could deal with that and work through it. But having it fester underneath when I feel fine on the surface is just foxing me. I don't know how to get a handle on it. And I can't deal with sleepless nights and random emotional breakdowns for months until we actually go. It's perplexing. I don't know if I should be thinking about NZ more, or if I should try to stop thinking about it at all.

So I'm doing everything that I physically can and I'm still planning and dreaming and I'm mentally sorting through all of our possessions and deciding which we need to sell or donate and which will come with us. I'm preparing photographs of our home for marketing and I'm occasionally looking online at flats to rent and wondering what our next home will look like.

All I can do is take it one day at a time and if each day starts with a 3am wake up, then so be it. There's not much I can do about that and that's why naps were invented. I know that things will get tough and I know we are in for some hard times and that basically the next two years are going to be rough. But I'm ready for the challenge and we're doing all we can to prepare the boys too.

2010 ... bring it on.

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