1 June 2010

Feeling wobbly

So as you know Grant got a phone call two days ago to say he'd passed his maths test and that the NZ police would be offering a job once they had checked his references. It was such a relief and so exciting! It's a big step forward on the long road to emigration.

But for the last day or so I've been quite down and moody. I hate feeling like this. I especially hate not knowing why I'm feeling like this. I finally realised that I am feeling like this because of this step closer to emigration.

Wait, what? This is what we really want, right? We've been in limbo for so long and although there is still a way to go it's good to be moving forward towards our goal, right?

As I was slowly waking up this morning I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling and to go over the things that are bothering me. Of course the practicalities of the whole move, especially selling our houses, moving, and the last few weeks here in England, are weighing on my mind. But really, it's the first time that I haven't felt 100% eager to leave.

I don't want to live so far away from my mom. I don't want to leave the friends I have. I don't want to not be able to talk to Dianne on the phone for an hour every day. I don't want to be thrust into a life that has no familiarity, of feeling the vulnerability of everything being new and strange. I don't want to give up things like eBay and Home Bargains and online grocery shopping. I don't want to start all over again in a new church ward, especially after some recent problems we've had.

One good thing is that the prospect of leaving has made me appreciate my life here more. There is so much we take for granted daily.

I know it's okay to feel these things. It doesn't mean that moving to New Zealand is not the right thing for us. I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life here in the UK. We have compelling reasons for leaving that aren't going to go away. I'm brave enough and motivated enough to make the move.

But nobody ever said it would be easy. And the emotional impact will be the hardest part for me. This is all part of it – feeling these feelings and moving forward in spite of them and learning how to deal with them. I guess that just comes with practice … of which I'm sure I'll have plenty over the next few years as we embark on this adventure.

I knew there would be an emotional roller coaster and there has been all along since we started this journey. It's just a pity I'm not a roller-coaster kinda girl.

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