14 March 2011

NZ update - Struggling

I've been really, really struggling this last week. So depressed and down, there are no words to describe. I am just so tired of living in limbo, of having chaos around me, of dismantling my home and my life with no end in sight. Noah has also been quite ill this week, which hasn't helped, poor guy (he's fine now though).

We were supposed to hear back from immigration with an initial assessment by Wednesday. Of course we got our hopes up that we would have a decision by then, but we heard nothing until Grant emailed asking what was up. Oh, said our immigration officer, I have a couple of questions for you. WHICH she was free to ask ANY TIME during the previous ten days. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, she needs a signed declaration from Grant saying that although he was born in Germany he was never a citizen and has no criminal record there (to point out the ridiculousness of the latter, he was 3 or 4 when they left!) She also needs confirmation of his job offer direct from New Zealand as there is no signature on his job offer letter and information pack. I just don't even know what to say. All of the contact details are there in the letter and she could have contacted them for confirmation any time - maybe not by phone, due to the time difference, but certainly by email.

I just feel spent. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. I am so fed up of pushing, pushing, pushing people to do their jobs. Of waiting, of wondering, of being unable to make plans for more than a few weeks' time because we don't know where we'll be. Of trying to be positive for the kids when I'm in worse turmoil than they are. Of showing strangers around my home so that they can have a nosey at all of our belongings to quote for shipping. Of people I know asking, "When are you going?" or "Any news?" Of crying every single day. Of feeling raw and anxious and stressed. Of my constant state of fight-or-flight that my body is in.

When I feel like this, all of the negatives to do with this move rear their heads and stand so tall in front of me that I can't see the things that we have to look forward to. I see our massive to-do list, I see homesickness, distressed children, money worries, a minimum of 24 hours on aeroplanes. I see loneliness and the vulnerability of having to build new friendships from the ground up. I see sacrifice and loss. I see missing my friends and family, living halfway around the world from my mother. I see being lost in a sea of unfamiliarity when everything has to be learned anew. And when people ask if I'm excited, I stare blankly at them as they smile expectantly at me, waiting for me to enthuse about our new life. But I'm spent and I'm empty and I have nothing.

I know that this is part of the process. I know that it is still worth it. I am still 100% committed and 100% sure that this is the right move for our family. I just don't know how much longer I can go without an answer, without a leaving date, without going out of my ever-loving mind.

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